I wrote this post weeks ago and then Andree Seu, an essayist for World Magazine wrote an essay in the September 22nd issue of World that said much of what I was thinking only much, much better. I set this aside at that time, but enough time has passed since her essay that I thought I'd go ahead and post it now.
Years before I had children, a friend who already had one or two told me her husband didn't believe in reading parenting books. He thought they should just follow the Bible. I thought it was an odd thing at the time. I thought it should be more about finding biblical parenting books, but no books at all?
Matt and I read a parenting book together once as a spring board for discussion, but we didn't look to it as a formula for fool-proof parenting. I've dabbled in other books on my own and found helpful advice here and there. But it really has been in the course of learning more about God as a Father and the church as our mother that I have found the most satisfying answers to parenting.
I have been studying Romans lately. In the course of this study and through Matt's patient instruction, I've been developing a fuller picture of God as our Father. Since most of my time and thought necessarily goes into parenting right now, I can't help but see applications everywhere in my daily life.
Paul, in Romans, belabors the idea that the law only energizes sin and drives us away from God when we are under the obligations of the law. Yes, fulfillment of the law will gain us favor with God, but only if we can keep it perfectly. Since none of us ever can keep the law, the law only drives us away from God. Once Paul establishes the hopelessness of looking to the law to free us from the power and guilt of sin, he turns to the gospel. Now we are children, in a perpetual state of pleasing our Father because we partake of all the benefits of Christ. I still sin. I still fall way short of the glory of God, but I am ever under the loving eye of my Father. Now, I can be confident that all things that come into my life are not because God is displeased with me, but because He is pleased with me.
As I was reflecting on this and what this means for me as a parent, I realized that I had this exemplified for me as a child. Sure, my parents lost their tempers, but even at those times, I did not feel banished from their good graces. One of my strongest impressions from childhood was that my dad delighted in me. It seemed to me that he took every opportunity to take us kids with him, even if it was only to the hardware store. He delighted in having us hanging about him in the garage (until he hurt himself, then we scattered) as he worked on cars. He would take us for drives for no other reason than to have an excuse to spend time with us. He showed amazing patience with our endless questions, and entertained us with stories from his own adventure-filled childhood. He delighted in me, giving me a little taste of the delight my heavenly Father has for me. For if my earthly father, being a fallen man, could love me so dearly, how much more must my heavenly Father?
Overall, I felt my parents were pleased with me as a child. I never thought my disobedience would end my parents' delight in me. What was my response to this? Was my response to be flagrant in my disobedience because I couldn't lose my parents' favor? Absolutely not! "Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?" Romans 6:1
Rather, my response is exactly what Paul, and the Heidelberg in its third part on the law, teaches us it will be. In response to this unmerited favor, I wanted to please my parents. I wanted to adopt their values and please them by being their child in deed. My question is this: If the Bible tells us that being under the requirements of the law as a means to favor only increases our anger and rebellion toward God, why would we expect it to have any other effect on our children? Ought we not love our children unconditionally and use the law only as a means of instructing them on how to love us (and really primarily God)? Our children, born into the covenant, baptized with the sign and seal, are assumed saved until they prove otherwise by their own rebellion. I want to treat Katie and Titus with the Gospel.
The child of God can read Psalm 119 with a big Amen in his heart, while, as Paul teaches us in Romans, the unbeliever responds to the revelation of God's perfect nature in the Law with agitation and rebellion. For now, Katie delights in who her Father is, and we rejoice to see it.
So then, when Katie has sinned against me or her brother, my concern ought not to be with punishing her, or obtaining justice, but my concern ought to be primarily her good. I don't want her to be at the mercy of her passions, for that will bring her destruction and pain. Out of love for her, I ought to instruct her in what will bring her happiness and contentment. Matt and I have begun viewing spankings as a later tool to be used with Katie. We begin with instructing her in what the Bible says the end of her behavior is, and that we don't want these bad things to come upon her. When we do spank her, we do not present it as punishment for sin (her sins were punished in the person of Christ, just as mine were), but as our way of helping her remember the instruction she has been given.
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4 comments:
I remember a speaker talking to us teachers about law and grace along those same lines. He said, "So, the school year has started and you've laid down the law in your classrooms. How's that working for you?" And then he went on to remind us that Christ deals with us in grace and the difference it would make in our classes. I'm glad you learned it while your children are young:-} Penny
Thanks for the encouragement. Bud says something that has been helpful to me, too. (He's said a lot of things that have been helpful, but I mean relating to this topic.) He says, "When your only tool is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail." I think I'm applying the idea correctly when I say: When I only had spankings for a tool, I thought everything was rebellion. When I took the time to communicate with Katie, I was horrified that a lot of my spanking was over misunderstandings. No wonder she seemed to be getting angrier and angrier.
Last night this post helped me. I remembered reading it when Bella was not helping clean her room after she was asked, told her that God says to obey mama and daddy, did not holler, did not spank, just talked to her, and said she had one more chance to please us, and she started cleaning. No crying, hurt feelings, or frustration on my part. It worked very nicely when I kept control and handled it with a little more grace.
Striving, I'm glad it was helpful. I'm afraid yelling is something I resort to all too often with the kids. The gospel is so helpful, both in not falling into despair over my own failings and in encouraging gracious behavior toward my kids.
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